Friday, October 23, 2009

Waitin 2 go BaLiStiC....

Can't sleep
cuz my heart
beat beat beat
drop him
or keep him
drop him
or keep him
drop him
Ahhh fuk it all
I don't have energy
for all this bullshit
my hearts to weary
to play games
with cupid
so I say mean things
and then I walk away
and never ever again
give you the time of day
start all over...
hope for something different
anything, I pray...
Anything is what I get
so I started changin my prayer
asked for a tall man
w/ braided dark hair
preferably hispanic
because they make good lovers
and he's gotta be fresh
especially when we get under the covers
and that hasn't come
&& I've been chillin...
patiently debatin...
wondering if I should pray again...
A little less specific...
But nah...
Ill just sit here...
And wait...
Until I go balistic

Thursday, October 22, 2009


"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you"
how appropriate
like the love I feel for you
like the amount of times
you dash through my mind
because I won't let u stay long
like all the times you broke my heart
and left it laying in a heap on the floor
pumping blood everywhere
like a graphic movie of horror
like how you had a baby by her
so now you need to be with her
you feel the need to move
to another state
to be with her
but its unknown to me
if u truely care for her
if she truely cares for you
I find it hard to believe
that she can care for you
like I care for you
but does it matter now?
like how I would prefer her existance in your life
are her thoughts of me
is her awareness of me
she doesn't even know
and I
More so...
what if I told her
what would she say?
Its like a lost cause
like a catch 22
if I say something I lose you
if I don't say something
I still lose you
why ruin whatever it is you have
when it seems better left
you chose her
I let the tear fall from my eye
into the atlantic ocean
since it is all
to you
there's a slim chance
you will ever find it.
But yet...
I still torture myself
by missing you.

Friday, October 16, 2009

my man

I wish I wouldve found u at 15
so we could create memories
the kind that only last
for those truely meant to be
like remember the time
you gave me that note
about miss green and then
we both got caught
she made us walk to the office
and as I sat there next to you
I knew that its was only time
before our friendship grew
started chillin at the bus stop
long after our friends left
offered to walk me home
in heaven with each step
and when I went to cross the street
is when you grabbed my hand
I looked straight in your eyes
& knew you'd be my man
a few months past
chillin at this dudes crib
we went to get some water
and had our 1st kiss
a few years going strong
and then you spent the night
bleed for the 1st time
but I knew it was alright
I wish I wouldve found you at 15
to create this time now gone
but baby I'm ready to start making memories
that will last forever long.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

chill out?

i dont understand how some people can live so lightly. like the thoughts in my head are so heavy that i dont see how to get through them. without therapy or meds, i cant see getting through these trying times. when i lay down at night i think deeper and deeper. i cannot fathom ignoring my thoughts. it just doesnt seem possible. yet people day after day live with no worries and i would love to do the same. i want to chill out. but how. how when the thoughts dont stop. from what i hear people speak about in the grocery store to the music i listen to. there are so many things to learn and so many things to take heed to. so i continue to think and analyze. maybe i over analyze. but how can i stop?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Redesign ur mind
reassociate every thought
sit back & rewind
relocate ur sanity
to an insane place
reestablish yourself
in a world full of haste
if you reevaulated
yourself to critque
it all
would u last till the end?
Or just stumble & fall?
Reconnect with the truth
because it sets you free
release all hatred,
anger and greed
just relinquish the flames
let revival come
and relearn all truths

Venture to the last of a dying breed
to bring them immortality?!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


i ponder lyrically

of my loss of sincerityto me

im like the highest of pedigree

but my life is filled with
fictional memory
l walk the streets
to find sanctity
only to find potions mixed chemically
and it just seems to sadden me
I swear…
I vaguely
Remember this forgotten sincerity
Like one day it was here
Then gone
Shit I aint gonna lie
all these drugs have ruined me
Maybe im making this shit up
And sincerity was never truly
Here in front of me
So I continue to walk these streets
Full of people with hepatitis b, c and d
start to walk a little more quickly
as if these assholes are following me
then one pops up in front
talking bout, “hey remember me?"
I think…bitch I don’t know you
then he says
“we went to the same university”
I thought for a minute
Striving for some clarity
Then I looked back at him
And asked “I have a degree?”
He got closer and I notice
His clothes all raggedy
He smiled and said “certainly”
I whispered
“then why the fuck am I out here?
With all these lames in search of sincerity”
He laughs at me like im joking around
And says
“we account the most value to sincerity and integrity…”
So I stop him in mid-sentence
And scream out in insanity
“why does no one know then, where the hell is sincerity?”
His response…
“we’re in a recession…people are broke…monetarily
And cant afford the luxury of sincerity”
Then the man vanished
And I continued walking
The streets like a zombie
Somedays I sightsee
But in all honest reality
Im still searching for sincerity

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


highs and lows

just hear me out…

you see
i wanna be
back on the right track
without you
not lovers
or even friends
in lust
i need you
to vanish
i feel the need
to take cautious heed
my heart
cant take it anymore
lemme just talk myself
right out this door

you see
i stare into a daze
due to the numbness i feel inside
the man i want
dont seem to want me
and i
created so many new news
with this man
you see
we got high
i used him like a drug
got me the highest of highs

martian status
leave the world behind
and the lows
left me feeling symptoms
of being used

so apparently

aint meant to be
this love thing

don’t love me
im not a good stalker

cuz I got ADD
and I get bored
wayyyy to easily
but funny shit is

he never bored me

they say
you cant always
get what you want
but sometimes
you get what you need
so I let my heart bleed
but once again
I took cautious heed

thought i could cut
all ties with him
so i wore his heart
on my sleeve
and then
wiped my mocos
all over the thought of him

but then
thoughts began
going through my head
like i needed
that drug
once again
and he had once said
"i take drugs
it eases the pain
because this life i live
is so mundane"
so i took a hit
& landed on mars
i didnt even look
at all the scars
he had left me with

from before

and then
the high left quick
as I shut my door
and mental thoughts
began to pour
into my mind
and I just couldn’t endure
slipped off Mars
and smashed right into
the world’s concrete floor

so now

mended again

put me back together
with some
paper and pen
and now
I just need
this to end


if you dont feel
the way i feel
then tell me its over
im done
so done
never will i
come round again
wont see my face
even just as a friend
to me
your just another
i surrender myself
waving the white flag
im just gonna bounce
I need some rehab